Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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