fuck your aforementioned shoe
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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