And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
