The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
