Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
