What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
