How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
