I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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