I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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