Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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