I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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