a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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