3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
