she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
