I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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