I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
