i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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