Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We are all done wearing pants today
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
