"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
