I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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