the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
