let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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