My sheets look like a crime scene.
there's paper in my vomit.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
