grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
