Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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