When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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