So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
