you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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