Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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