your parents love me but you hate me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
