I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
