it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
