I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
