This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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