actually, I'm a sock model
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
