i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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