he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
