but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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