I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
