Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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