Someone shit on the floor
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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