It's like a parade of train wrecks.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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