Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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