At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
