I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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