If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
