genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We don't watch enough power rangers
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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