Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
