Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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