You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
