You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
