Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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