unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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