I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
